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Lynder: Confessions Of A Tumblr MunLet's talk a little walk somewhere, shall we? I don't even know where, to be honest. Maybe somewhere into the void, into the past, present...I've always loved History, you know that? Let's take a step back then...somewhere..where I lost myself.
~ The Words Of Lie Ren ~
Yeah, that's right. I lied. How does that make you all feel? Everytime I say, I'm fine...it's a lie. You know what? I don't resent you if you hate me for that, honestly. I probably deserve that. I've been trying to be selfless, have I been selfish all along? I honestly wish I knew, but I can only read your emotions, not your thoughts.
Don't worry, you aren't the only ones I lie to. My parents, the government, my sister. Don't even get me started, really. I lie to myself too, I can't admit things to myself. Paranoia maybe. It's all in my head. It's always in my head.
“I don't get attached to people. Hate me.”
That's a lie, too. Everything I've said is a
RewriteHave you ever met someone you'd be willing to change your life for?
How about multiple someones?
People you'd be willing to do anything to see happy?
I have a few. Some stories to tell....
They know nothing about me. Yet they care..they'll give faith in me.
Is it faith? Is it pity?
No. The one who has given pity is I.
"You're too quick and risky."
Yes. That's true.
I'm also good at seizing the moment. Making friends.
I'm pathetic, you know that?
An excuse of a Human being..
Suddenly, I'm not so angry anymore.
I think it's time I face more than just myself.
What really happened those five months ago?
I haven't been myself in a while, you know.
No, you don't know. We just met after all.
You know my name, you know my face.
Do you truly know my story?
No. But you still care. Thank you.
"I'm gonna make you see the light in whatever darkness you see yourself in."
"Leon, you're such a strong person."
"It's odd how two people who don't want to get attached to other people are attached t
End ItIt feels like...I'm holding a weapon to my head.
A constant war, in and out. Through and through.
I can't fix myself, or I'm a liar.
I can't trust people, or I'll suffer.
I know I'm not in the right mind. That much is true.
I can't help but realize how close I am.
Into the dark abyss. In which no soul return from.
Hehe..how pitiful of me.
I've been abandoned by everyone. It's my own fault.
My own lack of contribution to my Humanity. My lack of concern.
Why do I say those kind of things?!
I don't care anymore.
Save me from myself.
And my misery.
Do me a favor.
End it all
TryOh look. My era of fake euphoria is over.
What a pity.
Speaking of which, pity me. Or, that seems to be all I say anymore.
If I could change myself, oh, how so I would.
It seems like I've never cared about anyone in my life.
Heh, maybe I haven't. Maybe I never let myself. Maybe I'm just that selfish.
Or maybe I've just been hurt too many times to let people reach me again.
Maybe I've built up my defense so bad...convinced myself I truly don't care.
Or maybe I don't want to try.
It seems like my non-existent freedom will come to an end.
With all the shadows and gloom that follow me...all the sadness that burns my heart.
All the regret and pride that follows me. How shameless. How lame.
My body burns from the depression as it falls further into the pit.
The pity that swallowed my heart and my thoughts.
And soon, I know.
I will give up.
I've always said, "sure, I'll try harder".
Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
Whether or not I try...
...only time can tell.
Liar, LiarI don't know how to make things right.
So, I'll pretend everything's okay.
And nothing's wrong.
Liar, liar, liar, liar, escapist, liar, liar.
Can you swallow it? All the lies you've told?
Out of spite, you sit there...tell them it's all good.
Convince them otherwise.
Liar, liar, liar, liar, escapist, liar, liar.
You've shocked your memory so many times...you run away.
You hide the truth. You're afraid to be judged.
You can't remember anything, and you're just shallow and jealous.
Liar, liar, liar, escapist, liar, liar.
How much longer are you going to pretend you're hiding?
You're in plain sight. You've always been.
You lie to yourself...you lie to everyone...
Liar, liar, liar, liar.
Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.
"I'm fine, really."
You have to tell the truth eventually.
No, I don't.
...this is my one last sacrifice.
Lynder: A ConfessionMy aunt bought me a wishlet yesterday. I didn't really know why I wanted it, I didn't have any wishes. I've always been one for spirituality. But, last night, I decided what I wanted my wish to be...
Something about the past holds a mysterious grip over my heart. If only I could remember what really happened back then...why did I change things? Why do I forget now? What the HELL did I do? Do I want to know? Funny, someone said something to me yesterday...it still hangs in the back of my mind, haunting me, I don't know why. About the past. Our past. How did I screw things up so badly?
Heh...I blame myself for it, really. Even if I don't know the truth...Soty-kun is trying to help me remember. I'm pitiful. Why am I listening to Quietdrive--”caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new” – anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately.
It's probably too much for everyone to handle. My sudden absence..have I grown cold and distant? “Different”, they say. “Dis
ContentMy mind is empty right now.
No fears; no hate. Nothing.
Neutrality all around.
For the first time.
In a while.
In truth, I am simply content.
No more bottling up thoughts or emotions.
I've decided to be on my own path;
Not drawn by "destiny".
Did we choose our own destiny?
Does it choose us?
I think I choose mine.
We do not help who we are born to.
We cannot choose our family. Who we love.
We can choose where we go.
I guess that's good enough for me.
Even overjoyed, I can feel exhaustion overcome me.
It seems like forever since I've been able to sleep.
But now, I can fall asleep peacefully.
Is everyone okay? I think so.
For once, everything is just how I want it.
This is how I hope it stays.
For now, anyway.
Perhaps recovery is on its way.
And for the first time in forever.
I might just be okay.
See YouI see you.
Can you see me?
No, of course you can't.
Do you know why?
I'm just a mere shadow.
I exist in my own darkness.
I change and change.
Try again, and again...
I'm never good enough.
Am I that much of a failure?
Does anyone understand my tears or my pain?
No, of course not.
No one can see me.
You only see them...they are not me.
In fact, they are better...they always will be.
I don't know why I try anymore.
I guess I should say.
It's been a fun run.
And I'm sorry.
...You can't see me...
But I can see you.
And I'd wish you would see me.
And not them..
But, alas, my jealousy and hatred. Is selfish.
I am not importance.
And I never will be...
I'm glad that no one will miss me once I'm gone...
BurdensI think I'm dying. Or will die.
I have 101 burdens. Not a single one pardon.
Love. Envy. Hate. Burdens.
I hate being one.
"I've never thought I was good enough..."
For anything. Always outshined by someone else.
Envy. I hate being jealous. In fact, I hate myself.
They've always been better than me. Smarter, more beautiful.
In reality, I will always be a B-Team. I will always be.
Made of glass. And of envy.
Love comes in many forms.
Feeling strong about someone. Family. Friends.
I admit...I love many people. In many different ways.
Have I ever been loved?
I can't say my family loves. They don't.
Selfish, love, selfish.
If the love I get is love at all..
I don't want to be loved.
Anxiety. Fear. Love. Envy.
I have so much. I never speak of.
Yet I hold close to my heart.
I don't tell people what's going on in my head.
Because no one cares.
And now, spiraling into depression.
I need to face myself.
But, alas, I am too much of a coward.
I hope everyone misses me when
Wistful"I am the boy who wants to love
your misshapen words,
your broken hearted pieces,
your ink split fingers.
I am the boy who wants to kiss
those scar tattooed arms,
that tear stained face
mend what has been broken.
I am the boy who can
make your heart
sing poetry again."
If only he would say it
like he had
In My DreamsI met her in my dreams.
She tells me she’s lonely, I told her I’m similar.
I tell her everything; she whispers back
“It’s okay. I’m here, you’re alive. You’re breathing.”
She’s the reason I picked up all the pens I did.
The reason I don’t want to sleep most days anymore.
My tears fall every time someone sells her out.
I hate that people use her for the fame & the wealth.
And act like she would give herself up for free.
And act like she would give herself up for free.
My text says “I need you more than ever.”
But wait a minute.
What am I thinking?
Why did I send that?
I’m not ready for that.
Not ready to commit.
‘Cause I’d be really bad at it.
‘Cause I’m only thinking about me.
I’m only thinking about me.
The more honest I get, the weirder you get.
And I’m fine with that.
The more honest I get, the more they hate you.
Are you fine with that?
Friends ask all the time,
all of your lives have been addictsmy cat
my front porch
into a graveyard
as if to say:
this is what we need
she tried to lick my claws
back to hands
& I said to her:
"I do not have 9 lives
to spend on the bathroom floor
with 13-hour insomnia
can't we just kill the mockingbirds
pull the concrete
out of our throats
& get this dying
she's got 8 lives down
& doesn't answer questions twice
Sometimes..Sometimes things don't work out..
Sometimes you want to see the sun but
the clouds beat you to it.
Sometimes you want the rain when the sun is
burning you alive.
But the sun burned it all away and now you're
Sometimes you feel like walking to the end of the plank
but when you've but one foot left on the edge
he pulls you back and you remember that you're loved.
Othertimes, there was no love.
No one to hold you, and nothing to anchor your soul to hell.
Sometimes things don't work out.
And sometimes they do.
And sometimes it seems like they will work for the last time
and always will.
Until they just come back and in the heat of desperation, manifest
as your nightmares
and consume you
you're back at square one.
Sometimes you're stronger than othertimes..
and you pull through like you know you always have, and will.
sometimes I think you could do well to know that I'm here too.
And you can always give a little of it to me
Insanity Has Firewalls TooI want to set fire to
all the voices that
dance their way into
No Breathing AloudHave you ever felt like...
their empty sorrows
Was showering over You
From a heavy cloud ?
What will we do ?
If we can't breathe,
Rotting inches beneath
They haunt me in my sleep,
Like monsters they are locked up
In my closet
I can hear them through blocked ears
Their suffocated cries...
As their lungs die
Everywhere I go...
They taunt me
I know I'm breaking
they know it too
"Why are you smothering us?"
Their lungs choked down in their
I don't remember his name
He asks ...
"Who are they?"
"The ones who torment your mind"
Can't you see
They are me...
They are me
those Who cry out for help,
Because deep down
This world has rotten my oxygen
And squeezed out my last breath,
Leaving my lungs for death...
and now I cry soundlessly
for an eternity
Growing UpWhen you're young the world is full
Of hope and promise and possibility
And Mommy loves Daddy
And boys pull on pigtails
When they like a girl
And best friends are made
By trading lunches and secrets
And your birthday wish is to be the princess
You know you are
Then you get older
And the world turns
Into boys and makeup and popularity
And Mommy is kissing other Daddies
And boys use mean words and ignore
The girls they like
And best friends are made by
Stabbing people in the back and
And your birthday wish is to be rich and famous
Like all the stars
Now finally you've grown up
And the world is about
Surviving to see another day and
Dancing with razors to make the pain go away
And Mommy isn't Mommy anymore
And you don't even know where Daddy's gone
And boys have taken so much
You can't find yourself
And best friends are made
By sitting at your computer and baring your soul
And your birthday wish is for the ultimate solution
To all your problems
In loveI think I'm in love
With someone I don't deserve
To me she's just perfect
In every possible way
The white of her skin
The black of her hair
The shadow in her eyes
All together make my day
Much easier to endure
We only talked a few times
But she could be the one
The one who will save me
From my life of misery
But how will she react
When she sees my scars?
When she knows about my demons?
When she realizes I'm broken (beyond repair)?
Will she accept me for who I am?
Or just walk away?
I only want her to be happy
If not with me
Then in any other way she wants
ConfusionThat sudden moment in a loud room.
When it suddenly goes silent.
Your strained voice calls out; it reaches no one.
What's going on?
Can someone tell me?
I'm confused...I'm lost.
The thousand daggers to the side.
Burning hatred of a thousand flames.
The dark insanity rises.
I'm so lost. So confuse.
Someone please help me.
I hate myself.
I wish I could've stopped it.
What kind of friend am I?
A bad one. I lose everything important.
I'm such an idiot, a pathetic fool.
I'm trash. This confusion.
I'm losing myself in sadness and anger.
I can't hate them.
I can't blame them.
"My brother...my brother..."
The only one I can hate.
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