Lynder: Confessions Of A Tumblr Mun

Let's talk a little walk somewhere, shall we? I don't even know where, to be honest. Maybe somewhere into the void, into the past, present...I've always loved History, you know that? Let's take a step back then...somewhere..where I lost myself.

~ The Words Of Lie Ren ~
“I lied.”

Yeah, that's right. I lied. How does that make you all feel? Everytime I say, I'm fine...it's a lie. You know what? I don't resent you if you hate me for that, honestly. I probably deserve that. I've been trying to be selfless, have I been selfish all along? I honestly wish I knew, but I can only read your emotions, not your thoughts.

Don't worry, you aren't the only ones I lie to. My parents, the government, my sister. Don't even get me started, really. I lie to myself too, I can't admit things to myself. Paranoia maybe. It's all in my head. It's always in my head.

“I don't get attached to people. Hate me.”

That's a lie, too. Everything I've said is a lie? Maybe. My actions...they account for something else.

~ Unspoken Words ~
“I care about you guys, I'm too afraid to admit that.”

Yeah, that's right, I said it. Hate me, whatever. I'm not supposed to care about people over the goddamn internet. The internet. It's because I'm sick of everyone in real life. My parents, my sister, everyone who accidentally makes my life unbearable. But you guys, going home, going online...I'm willing to put on that stupid facade to make you think I'm okay, so you don't get rid of me. What's with your obsessions with seeing what I'm really like? You got it...a mess. I'm sorry if you want to get rid of me, you know...

Thanks, I mean. For breaking down a little bit of what I've covered up. I don't know how to open up, you know. There's so much to say...so much I can say. Where to begin? I don't know...I'm sorry I don't even know anymore. I feel like such a disappointment, such a burden.

~ A Truth To My Sister ~
“I wish I could talk to her without crying.”

Whenever people dig too deep, my emotions become haywire. Even if it's just small trigger phrases. Why do you think sexual topics bother me so badly? I won't go into details, I'm sorry. Same goes for drugs, you know. Given, my emotions go crazy anyway...let's just talk about how I can pretty much read minds, right? But sometimes...

I can't talk to people on voice sometimes because I'm so upset over bullshit. Can't face people in real life.

~ Confession To My Sister ~
“I hate lying about my life. I wish I was dead.”

Reassuring announcement: I'm not suicidal.

I'm just giving up on life again. Still, you people see some ridiculous “cute” side of me. Kindness, strength, niceness behind the walls..why can't you just hate me?

~ A Quote That Won't Leave Me Alone ~
“I'll make you see the light whatever darkness you see yourself in.”

Please. Save me before it's too late. Is what I want to say, but I know I'm just a goddamn burden, you know? Just care about yourselves.

Why the hell did I even write this? What is the point of this? That I'm afraid? Of what? Myself? Life? I've been through Hell and back.

My inner darkness..I deserve it, you know? My parent's marriage fell apart because of me. I got my sister and I kicked out of our old place at age fifteen and sixteen...that's right, it wasn't even a year ago. It was all my fault. Should've drowned in the bay that day, I swear.Got kicked out of my Mom's house after hearing how much of a worthless piece of crap I am. How ridiculously self-pitying. To think everyone abandoned me? They didn't. I don't resent them. I deserve it.

To think I even consume resources...whatever.

I really wish I were dead, guys.

To think I'm so afraid to be alone..

~ A Secret ~
“I feel so selfish being this way. Others are suffering too...”

That's why I put everyone first. I'm not worth the time, you know.

~ I don't know... ~
“Whenever I'm lost, I turn to writing.”

I don't know what to do anymore. Life's falling apart again. All I can do is smile sadly and say, “I'm sorry. I'm not what I wanted to be.”

Ich bin Mull. Ich bin Mull. Ich bin Mull. I am trash.

It's the only way to justify my actions.

I don't even know why I'm sharing this. I just wrote and let it flow. Haha...it's opening up, right?

~ A Question For The Reader ~
“Is this what you really wanted?”

You tell me.